object of my hidden desires

jamal100388@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 13:48:32 GMT

I was late again at class today. I think my failure due to absences is one thing I can't deny. Among other things, I'm really really sad. depressed sad. I slacked off work trying to get into the groove of finding my inner happiness. I feel like its too late to have the object of my affections drawing farther and farther away from my reach. I shouldve just been friendster friends with him.

+But that's just the thing. The more I try to connect with him, the more distant he grows to me. And yet, cutting my ties with him makes it a lot less hurtful an experience.
++Truth be told, I don't want him to go.

__I guess it all boils down to deserve it or not, will you take it. I will if it was okay for him to let me. I don't know if I'm the one who's not deserved or the one who doesn't deserve.

I'm disappointed with my cooking. It used to bring me great joy. Now, I just suck.

Let it bleed

jamal100388@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Apr 2006 15:43:49 GMT

Kirai ga...

That's what I taught my sister this morning. It's japanese for I hate you or something...
Well, for one thing she didn't know I trully did hate her. Not just her though.Everyone else in that bloody place.
I guess I'm just really evil... Who knew anyway?
I'm rying to assess what I hate about 'em though. For one thing,it's because they're my family.

+Why the f*** do I hate my sister anyway?
++I guess it's because she's too nosy, too judgemental, too quick-tempered and irritable, too self-possessed, too superior and manipulative, too perfect.
I didn't use to mind. Well, the length of time we spent together just got to me I guess. She's always snooping around. Like, awhile ago, she told me she'd finally read the
messages Daniel and Cholo sent me. The ones I were keeping. F***ing right. You know what she thought of it already?
Goodness! I was breaking in pieces right there. Well, she spoiled my meal.
We were eating at this fancy place we hadn't gone to for a while...
She told me words of advice though as I explained to her that they were just friends and that we weren't like having a "relationship".
She told me that they acted that way towards me because they didn't want me "going out" with random guys just because I can. If I can remember it correctly I quote
"ayaw lang naming kung sino sinong lalaki lang ang magiging ganun mo." Like, fucking yeah! That was what I needed. It was like being slapped with a cold wet fish. My G&^!
As if I would ever get into a relationship without having mom and/or dad know. FUCK! What do I look like here? I REBEL. But not in that way. Hadn't they evoke enough "FEAR" in me to ever get into a wrong relationship? Or any relationship at all? Haven't I said it more plainly and more than once that I don't think I'll have a relationship with any guy ffrom school?

"THe MOST THAT CAN DO FOR YOU IS KEEP ON LYING..."

AMEN on that! What? Do you expect me to tell you I had a crush on that guy? I mean, for one thing I AM conscious that he isn't THE crush person but my criteria of emotions just so happens to place him there? You have a problem with that? You wanna die? Or that, It really touched me the way he narrated that that was how much I would mean to someone who actually existed? You wanna laugh at me now?
i GUESS SHE'S JUST TOO STRONG to ever realize that she should let me be weak. Not because it's all that I am but because I need to be weak to learn from what I do. To be vulnerable to what's real and to understand it before I do anything about it. It scares the hellout of me to know that I FEEL EMOTIONS, because frankly, it seems to me that to them, the people I look up to, emotions are weaknesses. Signs of pure weaknesses.
It's what I feel that matters most to me. that's all I know and will ever KNOW.
And maybe my emo status or my social capabilities limit me into what they say or think. And Uncomfortability doesn't really make anything any better so why, if opening up, made me
more uncomfortable, would they make me do it. They don't do it. Why should I?
It's what you call insensitivity that makes the two of us different. I can be so insensitive that when I do get emotional it kills.
I JUST WISH I WASNT ME. Everyday you wake up thinking I must be better than this, I can feel it, I'm better than this and then you get up and and you find out that all that effort, only you, knew. I don't need anyone to notice it, I just want to see it for myself. That I can someday wake up without regret or even self-pity.

"If you feel like dying you might want to SING OR SCREAM OUT LOUD..."

I guess my sister's been reading from this too if it ever wasn't so clear to me. She would've... Somehow. WELL READ THIS: I 'VE TRIED SMOKING.

"watch the fire,
fill your lungs with smoke for the last time..."

iiiiIIIIIIIIIII HHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEE YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!

Lo and behold!

jamal100388@yahoo.com — Sun, 16 Apr 2006 04:25:13 GMT

Okay, newb here!
Uhm, well, I have -- had a blog from modblog before, it kinda got deleted because its crappy and nobody really went there 'ceptin' moi of course. So then I decided to shift gears and start my ultimately boring notes of my life here at livejournal which I found out by accident. Like serendipity or something like that shit. I'm an MCR weirdo so, when I heard of STFUGerard I was like, all psyched to see wtf it was and finding it a very cool MCR forum-thing-place I joined livejournal with a free account so I can wreak havoc and add my pointless comments as well.

Today's Easter.
HAPPY EASTER!!!

Uhm aside from that I am currently starting to get sick again. It just hurts me to find I am soooo far away from the ones I really care for and it seems like the whole world's gotten hold of MCR and , I, have not and might not ever be part of the blessed many.
It.Just.Plain.Hurts.

13th_bullet

object of my hidden desires

Let it bleed

Lo and behold!